A Man of Many Guises

President Obama is a man who cannot help but hold a grudge. (Isn’t that right, Hillary?) That is, until the person dies.

This became apparent during the funeral of Senator Robert Byrd, the West Virginia extremist who openly supported the Ku Klux Klan and opposed civil rights legislation. Despite Byrd’s outrageous history as a racist bigot, the president praised him for possessing, “that quintessential American quality, and that is a capacity to change.” (Right. Byrd was an angel. It’s Arizona we should be condemning.)

Obama likes to talk about change. It is an attribute he clearly admires most in people.

And maybe this is why he adores himself so much: he has a greater capacity to change than any president that has preceded him. His wardrobe of personalities, which changes almost as frequently as Howard Dean’s mood swings, is endless, it seems. He is a man of many guises.

Professor Obama is the one we see at press conferences. He lectures at the podium, and with an air of arrogance and condescension, regurgitates long, drawn-out defenses of his agenda, such as the classic, “I didn’t ask for this mess. We may still be in a crisis, but we’d be a lot worse off if we hadn’t taken these drastic measures.”

Maybe he should wear a t-shirt that says, “I’m awesome!” Then he won’t have to waste time saying it anymore.

It was Doctor Obama that showed up to sell his pitch on health care. But instead of being the wise, reassuring doctor we all like, he scared us with his prescription: a hefty dose of socialism.

A lot of Americans are wary of Doctor Obama. He’s the doctor that printed his degree off the internet, is covered in cat hair and smells like cooking sherry. You’re just not sure if he’s capable of life-saving treatment.

General Obama decided it was wrong to try to make an ally out of Iraq, which has an educated public, a well-trained army, and is capable of democratic and economic stability. Afghanistan, he says, is a more realistic target. (Uh-huh. And North Korea would probably become an ally just as easily as South Korea, too. I mean, what’s the difference, they’re right next to each other?)

And of course, when he wakes each morning, he must decide between “cool Obama” and “angry Obama.” He likes to be suave, but after discovering Americans are upset with his administration, he now attempts to manufacture anger to seem more human. (Do you think that if Matt Lauer had asked George Bush why he wasn’t more angry about Hurricane Katrina, his response would have been, “Well Matt, I’m gonna fly down to New Orleans, grab that hurricane by the throat and kick its ass!”?

But let’s be fair—sometimes the president’s anger is real. The sputtering economy is taking a heavy toll on his approval rating, and I’m sure his senior officials are taking some heat from him.

Do you remember the scene from It’s a Wonderful Life when Uncle Billy loses eight thousand dollars, and he and George Bailey are frantically searching for it? George gets upset with the blundering, forgetful Uncle Billy, whose nerves are shot, and yells at him.

I think a confrontation between President Obama and Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner would be very similar:

Obama: Where’s that bailout money you silly, stupid old fool?

Geither, crying: I don’t know Mr. President, one minute it was here, and the next it was—

Obama: Do you realize what this means? It means bankruptcy and scandal and prison. That's what it means. One of us is going to jail - well, it's not gonna be me!

Yes, the president is a man of many guises. He can switch between liberal and moderate, calm and alarmed, patriot and global citizen.

It’s a shame he doesn’t wear the “commander-in-chief” costume so well.