Goodbye Guam

By Joe Schartz

The following column appeared in the Trojan Tribune in April, 2010:

Washington politics isn’t always a spirited debate, a dramatic vote on the Congress floor, or a passionate speech in front of a divided chamber. Let’s just say that on some days the pace of life in the District of Columbia is slower than others.
Like the last drops of maple syrup oozing out of the bottle.
Friday, April 2, was one of those days. Congress had that urge to say, “We’re better than you,” and decided to host a routine grilling of a public official. They scheduled a Congressional hearing to decide the necessity of a new training program in Guam, America’s favorite island.
Admiral Robert Willard, Commander of the United States Pacific Fleet, was testifying about his views on the impact of the program. Yawn.
Audience members were glancing at their watches, pinching themselves to stay awake, and playing tic-tac-toe on legal pads as they pretended to be taking important notes. And then came the turn of Hank Johnson, the 55 year-old Congressman from Georgia, to have his light bulb moment. As he started speaking, the fidgeting and head-bobbing in the audience continued, but as Johnson’s rambling statement dragged on, every ear in the House had perked up to listen.
Johnson incoherently babbled about the dimensions of the Pacific island for an unnecessary period of time, which drew smirks and eye-rolls from various dignitaries.
“This is an island that, at its most widest level is, what, 12 miles from shore to shore? And at its smallest level or smallest location, it's seven miles between one shore and the other. Is that correct?” the Congressman muttered.
I can imagine what might have been going through the Admiral’s head. This guy is going to make every pore in my face start bleeding…I’d rather be having teeth pulled…maybe he swallowed too much Listerine this morning?
The Admiral promptly replied, “I don't have the exact dimensions, but to your point, sir, I think Guam is a small island.” Ummm, where is this going exactly? Wait, don’t tell me, you’re about to say we should put the illegal immigrants there? Sorry Congressman, it’s too small for that.
And then the Congressman revealed the product of his stunning epiphany with this statement: “My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize.” He gestured with his hands to indicate an island flipping over and sinking.
The responses of the audience members were priceless: Oh. My. Gosh. Did he just say that?
If Johnson was expecting a thoughtful look on the Admiral’s face and a response similar to, “Wow! I never thought of that! We’ll certainly have to look into this,” shortly before handing the Congressman a head-pat and a cookie for his brilliant conclusion, it never came.
Willard recovered from the unexpected display of outrageous stupidity (usually demonstrated by toddlers with head injuries), and bluntly responded, “We don't anticipate that.” What a fruitcake! Does Georgia draw a name out of a hat to decide who its Congressmen are? Tell me this is “Bring Your Academically Challenged Adult to Work Day” and this guy is temporarily filling in for the real Congressman!
If anything, the statement made by Congressman Johnson should make you feel very secure about the politicians running the federal government.
Of course this isn’t the only recent opportunity we’ve had to see what goes on in the minds of Washington leaders.
Representative John Conyers of Michigan complained about his constituents’ calls for him to read legislation, stating, “What good is reading the bill if it's a thousand pages and you don't have two days and two lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill?” Wow, this guy is really lazy for not reading his own party’s legislation. But I guess that means we’re assuming he can read at all, and let’s not jump to any conclusions.
And here’s this gem from Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi: “But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it, away from the fog of controversy.” She was referring to the recent health care bill.
Right. That’s like saying a hunter should shoot the thing moving in the bushes to find out if it’s really another human.
These are the people running our country. They are in charge of our schools, our military, and now, our health care.
I’m just very sad that Guam might be wiped off the map. What did Guam ever do to deserve this fate?
That gives me an idea: Congress should pass a 1,000-page bill that allocates $10 billion a year to build up Guam’s infrastructure to prevent it from flipping over and killing everyone. And this cause is so pressing and so important that I think it would be a good idea not to read the bill, but to ram it through and pass it in the dead of night. This is a crisis, and must be solved.
Besides, what crisis isn’t government capable of solving?